Negative Nancy is Getting Desperate Here.

Sorry for the lack of posting... I am feeling a bit depressed and frustrated of late, and not particularly motivated to do a lot of Internet wandering.

So the source of my feeling down? I am still here, and so is our baby - sharing my body, that is. The majority of women are probably not expecting to have already given birth by 37 weeks, and I was one of them until five weeks ago - but I just don't get my body. I was having regular, heavy, intense contractions at 32 weeks. They were talking steroid shots for lung development and Brethine to stop contractions - which I did end up taking until last Friday - and nearly total bed rest. They basically told me that as soon as I stopped the meds, I could be in labor by the end of the weekend.

So I stopped the Brethine.

I went out to dinner.

I walked around a few stores.

I started doing laundry.

I even went into my school to check on my classroom, finally meet my sub, and "survey the damage" (-that, by the way, is something I will NOT be doing again - I was too horrified to see the state of my desk, my files, my computer area, etc., to ever want to subject myself to that again. Ignorance is definitely bliss in that case!.... By the way, other than my sub's apparent slovenly tactics, she does seem to be doing a great job teaching... and that's really the most important thing... right?!?!?!?...... oh dear.).

And the contractions started. Hard, intense, bending-over-the-counter-gasping-for-breath contractions.

But only about five to ten a day. Nothing even close to regular.

The cramping is much more intense - that was already pretty regular anyway (about 30 a day) - so now I have the odd feeling that my period will start at any moment. I literally caught myself thinking that the other day. It's a strange feeling, considering I have a full-term babe pushing on my pelvis at the same time.

To add insult to injury, the Braxton Hicks have increased to about four or five an hour, and tighten my entire ute now - making it feel like some boa constrictor has nearly regular appointments with my midsection to slowly suck the life out of me, stopping just short of actually dilating or effacing anything.

Well, I can't be TOTALLY sure of that last fact: my midwives are very adamant about not doing internal checks until 39 weeks unless there is a medical need for it, so for all I know I could be two centimeters.

But I don't even care! What good is it doing me if I'm just going to sit here in a state of pseduo-labor for the next three to four weeks? Why can't I be one of those women happily plodding along with only back pain and pressure to complain about for 40 weeks, then suddenly look down to a stream of amniotic fluid running down their leg out of the blue? No massive contractions several times a day, no cramping until contractions ACTUALLY start - by the way, that's the worst thing - hearing my friends say "Oh, my labor started EXACTLY the way you are describing it" - only to find out their labor typically starting hours to only one or two days before symptoms arose. NOT HELPING!!!!!

I am desperately trying to find perspective here. Every day she is still snuggled up in the womb is another day she is growing stronger and healthier with my help. She truly is safer there. This is all for her, anyway, right???

So why do I just want her OUT?!?!?!?!

A Long One.

You would think with all this spare time on my hands, I would be updating my blog daily. Actually, sitting upright really isn't that comfortable right now; nor is completely lying horizontal, so I've relegated myself to a sort of weird Jabba the Hut-style position, oozing over pillows and blankets propped in odd places around my body. This makes is difficult to balance a laptop anywhere comfortably. I've almost killed the dog a couple of times when it accidentally slid off my knees. Poor Davey.

Bed rest is going okay. I can't say it's been wonderful - it's actually been extremely stressful and frustrating at times. You never realize how helpless you really are until you can't let your dog out to pee, or pick up the slowly-accumulating mess all around you. Poor Drew: he's been amazing at doing everything - cooking, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, taking care of the animals, shopping, and somehow even finding time to paint the basement.... but I am still frustrated and annoyed that it's not clean ENOUGH. Not that I am ungrateful; I think he's doing an amazing job keeping the house running while I am sitting on my ass (or, rather, balancing precariously on the edge of the couch somewhere between my ass, hips, and back) watching him (but of course, constantly telling him how wonderful he is!!).

I blame nesting. I desperately want to clean out the kitchen cabinets, to clean the carpets, and to clean out the inside of my car before our Little Lady makes her imminent arrival. Unfortunately, if I'm up for more than five minutes, I begin cramping. Again. Despite the medicine I'm taking. So I am trying to come to terms with the fact that the cabinets may not be cleaned out. And we may have to call a professional to clean the carpets. And I may have to add yet another thing - cleaning out the Jetta - to Drew's list of things he dutifully does for me.

My problem is, I am really a control freak. That is why teaching suits me so well. It is MY classroom: I might not be able to determine WHAT I am teaching, but I can decide how and when, and to what degree. In fact, that's been another struggle for me: giving up my classroom to a long-term sub doing God-knows-what to my classroom and with my students - many of whom I haven't even met yet. I don't like bossing people around; I just love having my own space, and being able to organize things the way my slightly-OCD-tilted brain wants them to be. I love organizing my classroom and filing cabinets and desk. Granted, when I get home, the organization at times goes by the wayside to make room for more lazy tendencies, but right now my hormonal instincts are shouting "CLEAN ME! ORGANIZE ME!! HAVE EVERYTHING READY!!!!"

These organizational desires have only been punctuated by the fact that the midwives at my practice have told us that as soon as I hit 36 weeks, they are taking me off the anti-contraction medicine... and there is a very high likelihood that I could go into labor almost immediately after that. So... I could be in labor in a little more than a week and a half.

Uh.... WHAT?!?!

What happened to the at least sixish weeks I had left?! Where has the time gone??? Can this baby truly be ALMOST HERE?!?! Ohhhhh, Lord. Am I truly ready for this???

Since I'm already up:...

How far along? 34 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: hovering around 3o... but bed rest has actually caused me to lose a few! Don't worry: my midwife said the baby's still growing and all is still well.
Maternity clothes? Actually, practically all I've worn (unless going to a dr's appt - my"big outing" for the week) are flowy yoga pants and stretchy t-shirts... sooooo... not at the moment
Stretch marks? None on my belly, but a few elsewhere. Oh well.
Sleep: Between nighttime cramping, bathroom breaks, and alarms for medicine going off twice a night, I am not very well-rested of late.

Best moment this week: So far this week, it has been Drew going to BRU for the major things we had left to buy for the baby.... and putting all those finishing touches on the nursery!
Movement: All the time - except last night, when I was moving around more than I should... I must have lulled her to sleep, but it was enough to freak me out! We poked her awake, though, haha, and she is currently kicking my left rib as we speak.
Food cravings: Considering I have no room to breathe if I eat more than half a serving of anything, not much!
Gender: She a lady.... woah woah woah.... [Anyone??]
Labor Signs: Don't make me laugh

Belly Button in or out? Still in, shockingly.... but the right side is a little puffed out, weirdly enough
What I miss: Being allowed to move off of the couch for something other than a shower, a bathroom break, or a meal

What I am looking forward to: At this point, I am looking forward to HER!!!!!!
Weekly Wisdom: Listen to your body. It's not really yours right now, anyway: it's here to protect and nourish that baby. If you need to sit on your ass for six weeks to do so, get over it and be content with the knowledge that you are keeping him or her safe for the time being.

Milestones: Every week she is still in utero is a milestone right now, so 34 1/2 weeks is my current one!

Psychotic immature whining about to ensue....

My sister is pregnant.

My little, bitty, baby.... okay, 22-year-old.... sister. Granted, she is 22. But she is still in college, and has over a year left. She JUST got married in December... and they started dating in October. Seriously. I love her husband (they used to date years ago), and I highly doubt they will ever separate or anything, but what the heck are they doing?! They planned this, apparently as soon as they found out I was pregnant. She stopped taking BCP, thinking it would take a year (seriously... she thought there was zero chance she could get pregnant right now), literally within weeks of her husband getting laid off of work. Oh, and they have zero savings, and tons of debt, and are chronic animal lovers (DEFINITELY not a fault.... when you have the adequate means to take care of them) and have adopted five dogs, four cats, two goats, two guinea pigs, a chinchilla, three rats, some kind of parrot, rabbits, a chicken, a squirrel.... I know I am forgetting a few things, and am in NO way exaggerating.... literally all since December. By the way, he is on unemployment, and she is taking a semester off school and is working at a vet full-time making about $10/hr. She has no idea how far along she is, possibly six weeks, and she is already telling everyone.

Now I have several major, legitimate problems with this, and several majorly irrational, selfish problems with this.

Logical/legitimate:
1) They are in serious debt, and have very little income right now
2) She has stated numerous times in the past year how she wanted to finish her college education before starting a family, and now it looks like she's at least complicated that
3) They've only been married five months, and only together for seven - is there some major reason they are rushing into this like one of them only have two years to live or something?!
4) They are already caring for five houses'-worth of animals, and have zero intention of giving them up
5) She hasn't even been to a doctor yet and they are already shouting it from the fucking rooftops... this is stupid because a) she should realize by now, given my history of miscarriage... as well as her best friend's... and our older sister's... that being cautious in the first trimester is not for the paranoid or hyperchondriatic, b) she has prior conditions stemming from a botched appendectomy that complicate things for her in that area, including tons of scarring, etc., and c) she is a red bull/monster drink addict, literally consuming 4-5 a day up until yesterday.

Much less logical/totally immature:
1) It has been nine years since there has been a grandchild on my side of the family, and everyone has been focusing on my pregnancy... something they rarely do since I am the one who "no one has to worry about" because we've tended to do things the traditional, college-then-house-then-pay-off-debt-then-save-then-have-a-kid route.... so I am not exactly fodder for my family's discussions. It's been pretty nice being the focus. Now my insanely irresponsible (by long-standing reputation), erratic little sister has gone and gotten knocked up, and it's much more interesting to talk about....and even care about.
2) I just have this feeling that even though she has in no way taken care of herself, and probably won't, the baby will be 100% fine. I, on the other hand, can't seem to make babies. Granted, my pregnancy is cruising along right now, but my impending ultrasound this Friday has gripped me with the intense feeling of dread that all will not be well.... again. My idiot sister will have children before me. Everyone will have children before me.
3) She is due somewhere in January or February. Probably January. Now, apparently, I am going to have to haul my ass down to my parents' (5-6 hours away) less than a month after giving birth for her baby shower, celebrating bad decisions. Also, that is apparently the only way she'll be able to see our child, as she's already told me there's no way in hell she's going to try to make it up to my home when my kid's born since she may or may not be in the beginning of her third trimester. My first child. She's cried with me for the past year and a half every time I lost a baby, and up until this point has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, but now it doesn't even matter to her. In addition, my parents are no longer planning to have Christmas at their house for the first time in the history of man because she won't be able to travel there. I guess my newborn will have to wait a few months to see its grandparents again, because they will be driving to see her (in the opposite driection of my house), who I am sure will not want them there when she's almost 9 months pregnant anyway, even though they'll be down there again in a matter of weeks for her delivery.

Oh my Lord, I sound like such a whiny, immature bitch. I HATEHATEHATE how family brings out the worst in me, especially since they are the ones I truly do love most in the world. I just need to get this shit out before I scream it in her face - or my mother's face - or some random stranger's face - and look like an idiot.... because I am sure it would be coming. The thing that made me the most pissed, though, is that she was terrified to tell me because she thought I would get upset. Granted, I am. But I would have never made that apparent to her. I will love and support her no matter what.

Yes, I am pissed. My niece (from our older sister) has gotten nine years of uninterrupted grandparent love, and my parents were so psyched to constantly see our kid. Now they are splitting their time between NW Pennsylvania and North Carolina, which doesn't exactly consitute frequent visits. Plus they are splitting their money - which is definitely the LEAST of my complaints, but still frustrating as my mom just told me yesterday they probably won't buy our crib now that they have to pay for two big things (one for each of us).... of course I am seriously not being greedy here but more worried - we hadn't saved for that because we have thought since last fall that was covered, and now who knows how we will do it.... because my retarded sister doesn't research the possible effectiveness of going off birth control.

BUT - back to my previous train of thought - I am just irritated that she is afraid to talk to me about it. I don't think she's competing with me, like she fears. I think she's an irresponsible idiot that has complicated things for me. When I stop thinking selfishly about my own wants and expectations for my family's attention to me, there is still the glaringly obvious fact that, yet again, she didn't think before she did something, and she's not even taking it seriously yet. Hopefully the reality will sink in quickly for her and she'll finally start growing up a bit, for her unborn child's sake at least. I truly do love her and want her, and her family, to be okay. That is the root of all of this.

...And I really am trying to get over the immature reasons I'm mad, too. :)

BEST. APPOINTMENT. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....Okay, so I am keeping the Leprechaun motif of a blog style for now. At least until the room stops spinning long enough for me to spend some time figuring things out. Word.

So.... in exciting, wonderful, amazing, relief-filled news:

WE HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A real, honest-to-goodness, baby.

Okay, okay: I've known that for oh, six or seven weeks now. However, my ten-week appointment was this past Friday, and I told the new OB in our practice (whom I love, by the way, which is a HUGE relief considering the guy who they are phasing out/she is replacing is an enormadouche) that I was freaking out about it. Which is an understatement, actually. I made myself extra-sick in the days leading up to it. Thankfully, the morning at school was busy enough that I didn't have too much time to freak that day until I was on my way there. Bleh.

At any rate, I told her I was worried about hearing the heartbeat on the doppler because 1) I have a tilted uterus, making it hard to hear, and 2) it was my 10-week appt last fall that caused my world to crash around me for a second time when we couldn't find a heartbeat, etc. - but I alread mentioned that last week. SO.... she didn't even TRY to use the doppler. She left and came back with the portable ultrasound machine!!! Woo!!!!!!

And there it was. Squirming around, wiggling, flipping, and spinning for the entire five minutes she let us watch it. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I, of course, sobbed the entire time. There is absolutely NOTHING that can beat you seeing your teddybear-shaped baby, with its heart beating away and it measuring right on target. Of course, I am sure seing it on my 20-week ultrasound, and holding it in my arms for the very first time will both trump this moment, but I am really not sure. This was the moment that I finally felt free to be excited about this pregnancy. I finally let myself believe that really CAN happen, and this really WILL be different. We WILL have our baby on or around October 23.

The only downside was that they didn't print out any pictures for us. LAME. However, I have been replaying the image in my mind over and over for the past five days.

Really funny moment: The doctor pointed out the heartbeat and asked if we could see it. Both Drew and I said yes. A second later, the baby spun around and faced us - and I said, "Oooh! That's its eyes and mouth, right?" (And it was! It was incredible!) Drew said, "That's awesome!".... SO we get home and I am replaying this moment for my MIL, and Drew interjects with, "Yeah... uh... I didn't see the heartbeat. I had no idea what she was talking about. And I couldn't tell the difference between a head and an ass." It was really hilarious - he was just too ashamed to admit he didn't know what was what, I guess. It was a lot like that moment in Friends where Rachel sees the baby for the first time and has no idea what the baby actually WAS. I explained what was the the baby, what its arms and legs were, etc., and he got all huffy and said, "Well I saw all that!" He's so cute.

Really awkward/upsetting (and potential illegal) moment: When they turned on the ultrasound machine, the name of the last patient who got an u/s was at the top of the screen (hence the potentially-illegal bit). Even WORSE, IT WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF MY FRESHMAN STUDENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I quietly freaked out until I could moan about this to my husband as we were leaving. I couldn't believe it. Granted, this is literally her third year in 9th grade English (sad, I know), so she's not fourteen years old or anything, but I don't really think that makes it any better... she's only sixteen right now. How incredibly sad. And, of course, there's the added annoyance that any f.ing teenager who doesn't want to/doesn't deserve to/shouldn't dream of procreating right now instantly has a breezy, trouble-free pregnancy on the first try. DAH! Granted I feel more sorry for her than pissed right now, as I can imagine the road ahead of her is only going to get worse. I saw her in class yesterday and she said she's missed the last eleven days of school (literally) because she had a cold. Uh.... So I guess I'm not the only one trying to hide their prgnancies right now. Unless, of course, there's some OTHER reason she got an u/s... and there is someone ELSE in our incredibly tiny town that has the same, very unusual name....

Enchilada time!

(Yes, that's the weird thing about my m/s: I don't seem to get sick when eating the odd, spicy, heavy foods: it's more the bland, buttered noodle variety that are making me heave. Hormones are crazy, crazy things.)

Blehhhhhgggghhhh

I had - have - every intention to keep up this blog as I go through this pregnant journey.

...If only I could will myself to do anything other than sink into the couch and become stuck there the moment I come home, stretched out/banishing Drew to the love seat. Poor guy.

I feel like such a waste of space. I can barely even stand to pick up after myself, as bending over brings the vom creeping up my throat. (Nice image, right?) Seriously... I never thought I would be such a whiner about this, and honestly, I am more thrilled than anyone that my hormones are obviously a million times higher than they were the last two times - but sheesh! I just want to have a little energy... or eat something without forcing it down for fear that it'll come right back up.

So why don't I do anything about it? Well....

*I have a major mental fear of B6 after I took it - for the first time - and it just so happened it was the same day I became afflicted with the worst stomach flu I've had in my adult life. Now I know it didn't trigger the 72 consecutive hours of throwing up which led to compazine suppositories and meclizine pills that made me feel crazy and three days off work.... [whineywhinewhine].... BUT, I just never, EVER want to repeat that again. Maybe I am depriving myself of my best cure. But I just can't shake the stigma.

*No more lemon drops: Drew (bless his heart) bought an enormous bag of lemon drops... but they are mostly fake lemon, and leave the WORST/gag-inducing taste in my mouth. 'Nuff said.

*Similarly, I am just REALLY sick of ginger ale/etc. - the taste is now terrible to me.

*Has anyone actually tried sea bands? They are mucho painful. I can't tell if they really work well or not because I have only been able to stand them for an hour or so at a time.

WOW I am such a complainer!!! Let me end this on a more positive note:

- I have gotten the all-clear from my midwives to fly to Charlotte in a few weeks! I am a bridesmaid in one of my best friends' weddings, and was worried I'd have to make the trip in a car - which will end up being something like an 11-hour drive. They were originally reluctant to let me fly based on my constant spotting - but I've gone a full week without it, so they said it should be fine. Woo hoo!

- Another awesome thing: The third marking period is over in just a week and a half (which in itself is a crazy thought!). Normally at this time I am up to my eyeballs in grading, but somehow I've managed to stay on top of everything and am completely caught up. It's an awesome feeling, especially since I've been feeling so crappy in the evenings and haven't really been up to doing a lot of work in the evenings.

Gratuitous baby-making post/terror is evident.

So... Reason I have been MIA....

I am pregnant.

And, as per usual, I have been freaking out for the past two months about it. I am not sure why I thought it would take a long time to happen; apparently the GETTING pregnant part isn't the problem... it's the STAYING that way. Two miscarriages in the last year, actually. I have already had my share of scares this time around: at around 4 weeks, I started spotting, which led to a series of hcg levels drawn. They turned out reassuringly awesome. In fact, Dr. Evil - the ob who performed my d&c in October - actually said "Your baby's kicking butt." Pretty good for a guy who literally introduced himself to me/asked me if it was my first prenatal appointment TWO F.ING WEEKS after he performed my g.d. d&c and literally forgot who I was. Classy. I hate him, but the midwives are amazing in the practice. Plus, it's a tiny town, and unless I want to drive 1.5 hours one way to see my doc, I'll have to deal. Bleh.

On to more traumas...


I had a dating u/s on Feb 23 at my OB office, and after the initial "Hey, you're pregnant - let's poke around your body!" exam, they literally left me in the room waiting for the u/s for an hour. I had an impressive panic attack - shaking uncontrollably, rocking back and forth, muttering, sobbing, and ass sweat like you wouldn't believe. HA Srsly.... I destroyed the paper gown with my sweatyness. Thank God for my husband being there, or I would have literally run into the hallway with all my business showing and demanded they let me go home immediately. I just couldn't handle bad news. And then I thought I couldn't handle GOOD news, because it would never truly be "over" -the terror would be a daily visitor.

I was CONVINCED they would find nothing, or another baby with no heartbeat... and they only found a gestational sac. I FREAKED out. They scheduled an u/s appt for the following Friday (a mere four days away, and in no way enough time to see anything I thought). Those were probably the longest, most appetite-less, sobingest four days of my life.

Friday finally came, and again, I freaked in the waiting room at the hospital, and of COURSE this annoying bitchmo who went to college with me/now works with my husband was there getting a 3T u/s for her f.ing TWINS she's carrying... and we had to feign friendly until she got called back. We had the same u/s tech we had for my last pregnancy, and she actually remembered that right away - and brought it up - which only made it worse. I could tell she was doing the math in her head. I had to tell her, for the thousandth time in the past two weeks, that I have been pregnant off and on for a year but have no"live births" to show for it. Thanks Lady.

She was actually pretty nice, though, and looked right away for the baby - wasting no time pissing around taking pictures of ovaries or anything.

And there it was, heart pumping away. It was the most beautiful blob I've ever seen.

...So that's cool, right? Well, I sound completely evil and like a terrible mother already,but I've seen a heartbeat before. I've carried a child for weeks and assumed hewas fine, and that I was safely helping him grow, though he'd already been lost. How do I know this is really going to happen? How can I be sure my body isn't attacking my poor defenseless baby as we speak? Crazy-sounding? Sadly, those are the irrational thoughts constantly running through my brain. True, I feel SICKER than I ever have before. To an exponential degree. ...But is that enough reassurance?

March 27 can't come fast enough.


PS: Teaching high school students while attempting to disguise morning sickness is laughable at best.
*Sigh.*

Weepy.

I have been crying all damn day. I have no idea why.

The cats are not getting along with Hobo Dave [dog], so I have cried several times today.
I didn't feel like eating anything we have for lunch today; I stood there and cried.
I cried when I tried to start lesson planning for next month, and whined out loud when I attempted to grade some poorly written papers. Granted - I would have whined at that no matter what, but......ha. Anyway.
I remembered meanly yelling at my mother for a really stupid reason on Saturday, and it of course brought tears to my eyes. In fact, I sobbed on the phone when my sadness drove me to call and apologize to her. Again.
And the most pathetic of all: tears - literal tears, not just moisture - clouded my vision at the end of watching G.D. POCAHONTAS. Oh yes, the Disney version.

Shoot me now.


So uh.... What. The. Fug. I rarely cry at all. PMS? A slight glimmer of hope is rising in the "Am I pregnant??" portion of my brain, especially since that was a MAJOR symptom when I was pregnant before. I would cry at everything. And nothing.

As of ahora, I am trying not to read too much into it. I am going to be really freaking pissed (ha) if I get my period tomorrow or something.


.....and I'm sure everyone wants to know that.