A Long One.

You would think with all this spare time on my hands, I would be updating my blog daily. Actually, sitting upright really isn't that comfortable right now; nor is completely lying horizontal, so I've relegated myself to a sort of weird Jabba the Hut-style position, oozing over pillows and blankets propped in odd places around my body. This makes is difficult to balance a laptop anywhere comfortably. I've almost killed the dog a couple of times when it accidentally slid off my knees. Poor Davey.

Bed rest is going okay. I can't say it's been wonderful - it's actually been extremely stressful and frustrating at times. You never realize how helpless you really are until you can't let your dog out to pee, or pick up the slowly-accumulating mess all around you. Poor Drew: he's been amazing at doing everything - cooking, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, taking care of the animals, shopping, and somehow even finding time to paint the basement.... but I am still frustrated and annoyed that it's not clean ENOUGH. Not that I am ungrateful; I think he's doing an amazing job keeping the house running while I am sitting on my ass (or, rather, balancing precariously on the edge of the couch somewhere between my ass, hips, and back) watching him (but of course, constantly telling him how wonderful he is!!).

I blame nesting. I desperately want to clean out the kitchen cabinets, to clean the carpets, and to clean out the inside of my car before our Little Lady makes her imminent arrival. Unfortunately, if I'm up for more than five minutes, I begin cramping. Again. Despite the medicine I'm taking. So I am trying to come to terms with the fact that the cabinets may not be cleaned out. And we may have to call a professional to clean the carpets. And I may have to add yet another thing - cleaning out the Jetta - to Drew's list of things he dutifully does for me.

My problem is, I am really a control freak. That is why teaching suits me so well. It is MY classroom: I might not be able to determine WHAT I am teaching, but I can decide how and when, and to what degree. In fact, that's been another struggle for me: giving up my classroom to a long-term sub doing God-knows-what to my classroom and with my students - many of whom I haven't even met yet. I don't like bossing people around; I just love having my own space, and being able to organize things the way my slightly-OCD-tilted brain wants them to be. I love organizing my classroom and filing cabinets and desk. Granted, when I get home, the organization at times goes by the wayside to make room for more lazy tendencies, but right now my hormonal instincts are shouting "CLEAN ME! ORGANIZE ME!! HAVE EVERYTHING READY!!!!"

These organizational desires have only been punctuated by the fact that the midwives at my practice have told us that as soon as I hit 36 weeks, they are taking me off the anti-contraction medicine... and there is a very high likelihood that I could go into labor almost immediately after that. So... I could be in labor in a little more than a week and a half.

Uh.... WHAT?!?!

What happened to the at least sixish weeks I had left?! Where has the time gone??? Can this baby truly be ALMOST HERE?!?! Ohhhhh, Lord. Am I truly ready for this???

Since I'm already up:...

How far along? 34 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: hovering around 3o... but bed rest has actually caused me to lose a few! Don't worry: my midwife said the baby's still growing and all is still well.
Maternity clothes? Actually, practically all I've worn (unless going to a dr's appt - my"big outing" for the week) are flowy yoga pants and stretchy t-shirts... sooooo... not at the moment
Stretch marks? None on my belly, but a few elsewhere. Oh well.
Sleep: Between nighttime cramping, bathroom breaks, and alarms for medicine going off twice a night, I am not very well-rested of late.

Best moment this week: So far this week, it has been Drew going to BRU for the major things we had left to buy for the baby.... and putting all those finishing touches on the nursery!
Movement: All the time - except last night, when I was moving around more than I should... I must have lulled her to sleep, but it was enough to freak me out! We poked her awake, though, haha, and she is currently kicking my left rib as we speak.
Food cravings: Considering I have no room to breathe if I eat more than half a serving of anything, not much!
Gender: She a lady.... woah woah woah.... [Anyone??]
Labor Signs: Don't make me laugh

Belly Button in or out? Still in, shockingly.... but the right side is a little puffed out, weirdly enough
What I miss: Being allowed to move off of the couch for something other than a shower, a bathroom break, or a meal

What I am looking forward to: At this point, I am looking forward to HER!!!!!!
Weekly Wisdom: Listen to your body. It's not really yours right now, anyway: it's here to protect and nourish that baby. If you need to sit on your ass for six weeks to do so, get over it and be content with the knowledge that you are keeping him or her safe for the time being.

Milestones: Every week she is still in utero is a milestone right now, so 34 1/2 weeks is my current one!

BED REST. [Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn]

Yep, that's right: those dreaded two words were uttered by my OB on Monday evening, after I'd spent about five hours in L&D contracting. Oy vey.

I went into pre-term labor on Monday morning while I was at work - professional development stuff, not in front of students, thank God - and had to stay in the hospital overnight for monitoring. Everything looks good with the baby, thankfully, and they gave me some medicine to stop the contractions, which seems to have worked pretty well. They went from a nearly-continual rolling contraction, to every ten minutes, to every half hour.... and now they are extremely sporadic. It doesn't stop them entirely, but they are VERY mild right now and only happen now if I am walking around a lot or upset about anything...

Because they don't want to take any chances, they put me on bed rest until I am 36 weeks, which is September 25. So.... no teaching any students (or anyone else, for that matter, haha) for me! It's been pretty stressful trying to scramble and get my Leave of Absence paperwork, sub details, and temporary lesson plans taken care of... not easy to do from the couch! haaaaaa

Everything seems to finally be taken care of at school, and I've relaxed quite a bit, and ironically I am having almost no contractions now... so I guess this bed rest truly was necessary. That doesn't make it any less upsetting, though. They haven't found a true cause for it - they think I may just have an "irritable uterus" that's overly sensitive to stressors... so now I can't exercise (oh darn -ha! j/k), limit use on the stairs, no lifting, no standing for long periods, and basically sitting/laying my ass on the couch for the next three weeks. The doctor said once I hit 36 weeks I can stop taking the meds and go back to work, and if I go into labor that day he won't care.

Uh... what?!

I know the baby will be fine, but that is just a nearly terrifying thought on my part. A whole month early?! I was falling apart at the thought of possibly delivering her at 32 & 1/2 weeks, and simply waiting a few weeks really isn't helping me feel much better about it. They didn't give me any steroids to develop her lungs at this point, but they will need to at 36 weeks. I hate the fact that I'm continually medicating myself to stop ctx now; adding steroids to the mix to atificially pump up her lungs is not any better in my mind.

I just wish my body would have worked the way it was supposed to. I feel like I'm failing at carrying my baby.

Whew.

After last week's pessimistic entry, it's good to report some good news:

1) My father is out of the hospital and resting not-so-comfortably, which, for him, is a good thing: the fact that he is now bored and itching to get back to work, and overall pissing off my mom with the muttering about wanting to get back into the office shows he is definitely on his way back to normal. Granted, his intense desire to be at work is probably part of the reason all this happened in the first place, so I applaud his boss and my mother's joint efforts to keep him at home resting for a few more days. He seems to be recovering nicely and hasn't had any complications or anything, which is an enormous relief. He's even planning to continue with their visit to see us over the 4th of July, a trip I told them they definitely should not complete if he shows any signs of wear and tear between now and then.

Deep, relief-filled, teary sigh.

2) I spent an evening last week in L&D in our hospital, which actually ended up being a cool thing. I had sporadic Braxton Hicks for a day or two, which eventually progressed into more intense, then rhythmic, cramping every 15 minutes. The office was already closed, so they sent me to the Maternity Ward, where one of my midwives was on-call in the midst of a slow-moving labor process for another woman anyway. I was terrified, and words like "incompetent cervix," "pre-tem labor," "bedrest," and "fetal demise" kept swimming through my brain.

Thankfully, all is well - we got to hear the baby's heartbeat again - a loud and clear 160! - and my m/w checked me in all the ways possible and said my cervix was tightly closed and the baby was in no way in distress. I was a little bummed they didn't do an ultrasound, purely for selfish reasons of course - I wanted to get another peek at her gorgeous face. My m/w didn't seem to feel it was necessary, though, so she didn't do one. Lame!.... Though I guess I should be thankful she didn't deem it necessary, because that would have surely meant things didn't look good.

As for diagnosis, the bloodwork and urine tests all came back clear and neg - no UTI, no anything out of the ordinary. (By the way, she had to do a clean catch urine sample using a catheter - something I have never experienced and was none too excited about, I assure you!) She said it was probably the combination of my extreme stress from family issues, plus my sudden urge to do about 10 loads of laundry (even rewashing some clean stuff) and run up and down the stairs 500 times with baskets of clothing, and not drinking enough... so I guess they really aren't lying when they tell you to drink an ungodly amount of water and relax. *Grin.*

The best part of the evening, after knowing everything was alright, was 1) getting to know this particular m/w better, as I've only seen her a handful of times and there is a strong likelihood she will deliver our baby... and she's wonderful!; and 2) seeing the Maternity Ward in a much more positive light - previously the only connection I've had with it was for my recovery from my D&C, and some rather insensitive nurses "helping" me that day... so it's a relief to see that there are some great people there and to get some more specific info on the inner workings of the ward.

****************

In other news, I went into my school yesterday to pick up the FMLA paperwork so it can be Board-approved before the school year starts, and it just made me extremely depressed. The typical leave time is 6 weeks, though they do not pay ANYTHING anyway unless you use up your sick days. I will only have 12 sick days at the beginning of the year - a pathetic number that is due to the fact that so much of my time last year was spent off recovering from my loss/D&C in October and from all my dr's appts I had in the middle of the school day (one thing that annoys me about my ob office: they have a very rigid appt schedule with very little ability to schedule later/earlier appointments). Anyway, looking at the calendar, it seems that IF I deliver on my due date, and only take, say, 7 weeks off, I'll be back in school by December 14. I cannot blieve how little time I will have with our baby before going back to work. Granted, I'll have some flexibility regular 9-to-5ers won't, like a longish lunchbreak where I can run the literal 30 seconds down the hill from school to my MIL's to feed her, and lots of time off on vacations... but it just seems so unfair. Oh, to have Canada's FMLA procedures.....

I also learned they've screwed with my teaching schedule for next year, which is really not too surprising, as it happens every summer. However, I am feeling the nesting/organization urge already, with an intense desire to lesson plan a much as possible through the first semester... and I can't do that if they keep f.ng changing my classes!!! Argh.

Speaking of which, I'm off to my classroom for a couple hours to file some things I unceremoniously shoved into a cabinet at the end of the school year....

Bored already?!

Today is the first day I finally have nothing to do (other than my 20-wk appt at 2:20) - and it is an amazing feeling!!

No last-minute essays or book projects heaped in front of me, courtesy of my underclassmen....

No more senior class trip to plan and execute (which, by the way, went shockingly well, considering it consisted of 87 high school seniors, me, my co-adviser, and five rather incompetent chaperones - half of which were "secretly" drunk the whole time, as ridiculous as that sounds - running amok in Cleveland and Sandusky Ohio for two days)...

No more OTHER million of things to prepare for seniors in the last week of school, including Graduation...

And my favorite of all: no more registry to plan, because it's done! (More or less.) Woo hoo! That was probably the most exhausting of everything I've done in the last two weeks. Seriously. Babies need a lot of shizzzzz.

My classroom is clean, my grades are done, the graduation honor cords and robes are stowed away in the corner of my room, and even my house is clean! I have no idea what to do with myself. I always have a terrible time coming down off the end-of-year manic rush to get everything done; in previous years, I'd taught Summer School, which is only until noon every day, and was a nice gradual flow into the lazier days of summer. This year, I've opted not to, so I have been instantly thrust into a wide open span of two or three months of sloth.

What the hell am I going to do with myself??! I am rereading the sixth Harry Potter book, just for the hell of it.... and, of course, in preparation for the upcoming movie! (That's right: I love Harry Potter. I'm an English teacher: isn't it an obvious thing or me to love all kinds of literature?!) Maybe I'll take up yoga again; after all my spotting paranoia in the 1T I've been too afraid to do anything "overly stretchy." Lame, I know - but I am feeling pretty damn good about this kid right now, who is currently finding my bladder her favorite new kick toy (thankfully those Kegels have thus far paid off!). Plus, I've got a pretty sweet prenatal yoga/exercise DVD I've been itching to start using again; I haven't picked it up since last October.

I unrelated news, my new guilty pleasure is I Didn't Know I was Pregnant on Discovery Health. Oh my Lord, I cannot express how much I love it. It is hilarious, fascinating, frustrating, and terrifying to me, all at once - and the reenactments are cheesy at best, which makes it all the more entertaining! I highly recommend it in a "hey I love documentaries about crazy shit" kind of way. I am in no way trying to be bitch about the seemingly endless supply of cluelessly pregnant women out there - it just boggles my mind how there are truly that many cases of women who carry a baby to full term and never have an inkling. It just goes to show how easily you can explain away a lot of pregnancy issues... though I have no idea how I would be explaining away this belly, and I am only halfway there!!!!! Like I said: fascinating.

Seventeen weeks? ME?! You crazy.

Yes, I am the WORST blogger ever... and the next few weeks probably won't get any better. April and May in any school setting is insane, I am sure, and mine is no exception. Ay yay yay!

So here's an update:

How far along? 17 weeks and 1 day

Total weight gain/loss: Finally up two lbs... but my face looks more like ten. I thought I was carrying this kid in my ute, not my cheeks!
Maternity clothes? Some pants - bought a couple shirts I haven't really worn yet - still managing to rock the Bella bands at work with my regular pants (trying to hold out for the last few weeks)
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Waking up to pee at least once, usually twice - easy to pass out, but wake up quite a bit.

Best moment this week: About 95% sure the baby was kicking me for about ten minutes... on Mother's Day! Also: great, uneventful appt on Tuesday.
Movement: See above - I am almost positive that's what I am feeling every now and then, but totally doubt myself
Food cravings: All I've wanted lately is fruit, of all kinds. Mmmmm.... smoothies....
Gender: Still thinking girl, but a couple times had an overwhelming "boy" sensation - so who knows
Labor Signs: N/A

Belly Button in or out? In...but beginning to widen a bit (clearly seeing the inside of my belly button is cracking me up for some reason)
What I miss: Mt. Dew - though I cracked and had about half a glass the other night; my Lucky jeans (no way my newly large and in charge ass is fitting in those for awhile!)

What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound on May 29 - open leg vibes, everyone!
Weekly Wisdom: Just because you are finally starting to feel better doesn't mean you are superwoman. Chill out or you'll end up crashing in the middle of 7th period.... not that I've done that.... (yet?)

Milestones: POSSIBLY feeling the baby move... verification to come soon, I hope!

I love and hate the end of the school year. There's so much excitement and anticipation, especially from my seniors (their last day of school is TUESDAY!)... that normally makes me sad, as it inevitably takes me back to May/June of 1999, deep in rural Southern PA, and my urgency to just get the year the hell over with already. I remember feeling sad because I had an underclassman boyfriend (I know, how scandalous of me) and was miserable at the fact that I wouldn't even spend the last few months before college with him, as I was literally moving three days after graduation to Ocean City MD for the summer.... which was an exhilarating, action-packed way to spend the months before college.... BUT now that I am ten years older and looking at it from the teacher perspective, and hear my students talking about Senior Week at Ocean City, I can't help but think, "Ohhhhhhh Lord... hopefully their parents never, EVER hear the details."

Don't get me wrong - I was responsible (I worked 7-10 hour shifts 6 days a week), BUT I was also 17 years old. God knows how I never got into any serious trouble down there.

But ANYWAY....

Drew and I are headed to Erie in a bit to do some preliminary registry creation, mostly to appease his mother, but also because I am a ridiculous planner and am trying to get as much done now as I can, while I have the energy to do so. I wish my mom could go along for some advice; plus, I really miss her. I haven't seen my family since Christmas, and it's killing me - we are so close emotionally, and I hate that my parents/older sister/niece are five hours away, and my younger sister is closer to twelve hours from here. Bleh. At least I will see all but YoungerSister over Memorial Day. Can't wait!

14 Week Update

I have been wanting to do this for a few weeks now, but have been too chicken to actually do it. Now that I'm into the 14th week, I figured I would take the plunge.

The hilarious and poignant Blair has done this for weeks in her journal, so all credit goes to her! I unceremoniously stole this from her, but I love it!

How far along? 14 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: I initially lost 8 pounds... but have regained 4... at least I'm beginning to gain some weight again (Oh Lord; I will NEVER be happy to gain weight in any other time of my life!)
Maternity clothes? Some pants (eBay is a gold mine for cheap, NWT Gap maternity jeans, FYI!) but have been mostly using the Bella bands at work with my regular pants
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sleeping on my back is becoming uncomfortable and I miss it already! I normally wake up at 1:30 or so then again between 4 and 5 to pee. Bleh!

Best moment this week: Finally "coming clean" to my students/ fellow faculty members about being pregnant - and having a lot of my students (boys almost more than the girls) be adorably excited for me
Movement: Can't feel it yet... and can't wait until I do!
Food cravings: Turkey sandwiches... though the thought of heating it up beforehand makes me want to gag. Sigh.
Gender: I really have no idea... but for some reason am leaning toward a girl
Labor Signs: N/A

Belly Button in or out? In...but it's never been a "super-innie," so I have a feeling it will pop pretty early
What I miss: Not being nauseous 95% of the day; lunch meat; Mt. Dew

What I am looking forward to: Feeling the baby move; my next appt (May 12) because they will schedule the "BIG" u/s!!
Weekly Wisdom: Stop apologizing to your husband for doing things around the house if he is not complaining about it. He really does want to help! [This is obviously advice for myself....]
Also, teenagers really have no clue of the concept of trimesters/reasons for waiting to spread the news; I got so many insulted students when they found out how far along I was [rolling my eyes].

Milestones: Finally feeling comfortable enough to say I'm in the 2T/ share the news; finally starting to show!

A bunch of random stuff.

As stated above, the reason I have been MIA for a week or so: I've had lots going on! (Apparently, so has Dave. ----->)






1) The end of the marking period = last-minute grading scramble + the realization that my 5th year of teaching is swiftly coming to a close. Holy crap!

2) I spent most of the week last week alternating between a mad scramble to get everything done for an out-of-town wedding last Friday (more about that in a sec) and realizing I haven't been cleaning the toilet very well of late. I am guessing the increase in m/s intensity was due to serious nervousness about flying to the wedding sans Dramamine, etc. It has lessened some, thank goodness!

3) One of my best friends from college/grad school got married in Charlotte, and despite the major sickness, I was able to be a bridesmaid (the one and ONLY good thing that came from my pregnancy ending early last fall, as I would have been 34 weeks this week and unable to attend the wedding). Despite the rough rides on the flights (because of my morning sickness-induced airsickness, not turbulence), it was a wonderful whirlwind of 2.5 days.... I miss those girls so much! The closest anyone lives is in Pittsburgh, which is about three hours away from me, and unfortunately life has gotten in the way and we haven't had much opportunity to see each other as much as I'd like.

3a) In the Pittsburgh airport on the way home on Saturday, I met (a.k.a. followed-from-an-inappropriately-close-distance-until-I-was-sure-it-was-him-then-forced-myself-on-him) Demetri Martin (of Comedy Central fame/one of my husband's all-time favorite comedians/see pic) and begged him to meet Drew... and he did! Woo! Don't worry - I wasn't really annoying (I do think celebs probably just want to be left alone when traveling)... only slightly. Ra ha




So I can't tell if my m/s is subsiding or what. It has been a bit inconsistent in the last week or so - well, since I got back home on Saturday evening, anyway - but still definitely there. (I should say the throwing up has lessened - and has been replaced by indigestion! Ay yay yay.) One of the bridesmaids at the wedding just had a baby almost 12 weeks ago, and she keeps telling me her m/s "only" lasted until 16 weeks.

If this lasts 4 1/2 more weeks, I am going to shoot myself.

Off to the in-laws for the weekly American Idol viewing - no, seriously....it's obligatory bonding with reality show stuffed in.... though it really isn't so bad; they are pretty awesome in-laws I must say. AI is pretty damn annoying (sorry!) but I've been half passed out on their couch the past few weeks, so I don't even really know what's up (...or do I?? Danny Gokey anyone?!)


...Anyway.... As Ryan Seacrest would say: Dave out.

BEST. APPOINTMENT. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....Okay, so I am keeping the Leprechaun motif of a blog style for now. At least until the room stops spinning long enough for me to spend some time figuring things out. Word.

So.... in exciting, wonderful, amazing, relief-filled news:

WE HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A real, honest-to-goodness, baby.

Okay, okay: I've known that for oh, six or seven weeks now. However, my ten-week appointment was this past Friday, and I told the new OB in our practice (whom I love, by the way, which is a HUGE relief considering the guy who they are phasing out/she is replacing is an enormadouche) that I was freaking out about it. Which is an understatement, actually. I made myself extra-sick in the days leading up to it. Thankfully, the morning at school was busy enough that I didn't have too much time to freak that day until I was on my way there. Bleh.

At any rate, I told her I was worried about hearing the heartbeat on the doppler because 1) I have a tilted uterus, making it hard to hear, and 2) it was my 10-week appt last fall that caused my world to crash around me for a second time when we couldn't find a heartbeat, etc. - but I alread mentioned that last week. SO.... she didn't even TRY to use the doppler. She left and came back with the portable ultrasound machine!!! Woo!!!!!!

And there it was. Squirming around, wiggling, flipping, and spinning for the entire five minutes she let us watch it. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I, of course, sobbed the entire time. There is absolutely NOTHING that can beat you seeing your teddybear-shaped baby, with its heart beating away and it measuring right on target. Of course, I am sure seing it on my 20-week ultrasound, and holding it in my arms for the very first time will both trump this moment, but I am really not sure. This was the moment that I finally felt free to be excited about this pregnancy. I finally let myself believe that really CAN happen, and this really WILL be different. We WILL have our baby on or around October 23.

The only downside was that they didn't print out any pictures for us. LAME. However, I have been replaying the image in my mind over and over for the past five days.

Really funny moment: The doctor pointed out the heartbeat and asked if we could see it. Both Drew and I said yes. A second later, the baby spun around and faced us - and I said, "Oooh! That's its eyes and mouth, right?" (And it was! It was incredible!) Drew said, "That's awesome!".... SO we get home and I am replaying this moment for my MIL, and Drew interjects with, "Yeah... uh... I didn't see the heartbeat. I had no idea what she was talking about. And I couldn't tell the difference between a head and an ass." It was really hilarious - he was just too ashamed to admit he didn't know what was what, I guess. It was a lot like that moment in Friends where Rachel sees the baby for the first time and has no idea what the baby actually WAS. I explained what was the the baby, what its arms and legs were, etc., and he got all huffy and said, "Well I saw all that!" He's so cute.

Really awkward/upsetting (and potential illegal) moment: When they turned on the ultrasound machine, the name of the last patient who got an u/s was at the top of the screen (hence the potentially-illegal bit). Even WORSE, IT WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF MY FRESHMAN STUDENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I quietly freaked out until I could moan about this to my husband as we were leaving. I couldn't believe it. Granted, this is literally her third year in 9th grade English (sad, I know), so she's not fourteen years old or anything, but I don't really think that makes it any better... she's only sixteen right now. How incredibly sad. And, of course, there's the added annoyance that any f.ing teenager who doesn't want to/doesn't deserve to/shouldn't dream of procreating right now instantly has a breezy, trouble-free pregnancy on the first try. DAH! Granted I feel more sorry for her than pissed right now, as I can imagine the road ahead of her is only going to get worse. I saw her in class yesterday and she said she's missed the last eleven days of school (literally) because she had a cold. Uh.... So I guess I'm not the only one trying to hide their prgnancies right now. Unless, of course, there's some OTHER reason she got an u/s... and there is someone ELSE in our incredibly tiny town that has the same, very unusual name....

Enchilada time!

(Yes, that's the weird thing about my m/s: I don't seem to get sick when eating the odd, spicy, heavy foods: it's more the bland, buttered noodle variety that are making me heave. Hormones are crazy, crazy things.)

Gratuitous baby-making post/terror is evident.

So... Reason I have been MIA....

I am pregnant.

And, as per usual, I have been freaking out for the past two months about it. I am not sure why I thought it would take a long time to happen; apparently the GETTING pregnant part isn't the problem... it's the STAYING that way. Two miscarriages in the last year, actually. I have already had my share of scares this time around: at around 4 weeks, I started spotting, which led to a series of hcg levels drawn. They turned out reassuringly awesome. In fact, Dr. Evil - the ob who performed my d&c in October - actually said "Your baby's kicking butt." Pretty good for a guy who literally introduced himself to me/asked me if it was my first prenatal appointment TWO F.ING WEEKS after he performed my g.d. d&c and literally forgot who I was. Classy. I hate him, but the midwives are amazing in the practice. Plus, it's a tiny town, and unless I want to drive 1.5 hours one way to see my doc, I'll have to deal. Bleh.

On to more traumas...


I had a dating u/s on Feb 23 at my OB office, and after the initial "Hey, you're pregnant - let's poke around your body!" exam, they literally left me in the room waiting for the u/s for an hour. I had an impressive panic attack - shaking uncontrollably, rocking back and forth, muttering, sobbing, and ass sweat like you wouldn't believe. HA Srsly.... I destroyed the paper gown with my sweatyness. Thank God for my husband being there, or I would have literally run into the hallway with all my business showing and demanded they let me go home immediately. I just couldn't handle bad news. And then I thought I couldn't handle GOOD news, because it would never truly be "over" -the terror would be a daily visitor.

I was CONVINCED they would find nothing, or another baby with no heartbeat... and they only found a gestational sac. I FREAKED out. They scheduled an u/s appt for the following Friday (a mere four days away, and in no way enough time to see anything I thought). Those were probably the longest, most appetite-less, sobingest four days of my life.

Friday finally came, and again, I freaked in the waiting room at the hospital, and of COURSE this annoying bitchmo who went to college with me/now works with my husband was there getting a 3T u/s for her f.ing TWINS she's carrying... and we had to feign friendly until she got called back. We had the same u/s tech we had for my last pregnancy, and she actually remembered that right away - and brought it up - which only made it worse. I could tell she was doing the math in her head. I had to tell her, for the thousandth time in the past two weeks, that I have been pregnant off and on for a year but have no"live births" to show for it. Thanks Lady.

She was actually pretty nice, though, and looked right away for the baby - wasting no time pissing around taking pictures of ovaries or anything.

And there it was, heart pumping away. It was the most beautiful blob I've ever seen.

...So that's cool, right? Well, I sound completely evil and like a terrible mother already,but I've seen a heartbeat before. I've carried a child for weeks and assumed hewas fine, and that I was safely helping him grow, though he'd already been lost. How do I know this is really going to happen? How can I be sure my body isn't attacking my poor defenseless baby as we speak? Crazy-sounding? Sadly, those are the irrational thoughts constantly running through my brain. True, I feel SICKER than I ever have before. To an exponential degree. ...But is that enough reassurance?

March 27 can't come fast enough.


PS: Teaching high school students while attempting to disguise morning sickness is laughable at best.
*Sigh.*

SNOW DAY!!!

I love - and loathe - mid-week snow days. Ohhhh the sleeping in! Ohhhh... the make-up days and screw-ups to my lesson plans!...

I think we only have two snow days built into the year left - or is it only one? It needs to start getting warmer, y'all. Stat. Winter is overrated.


At least HoboDave loves the snow:






OperationGetKnockedUp:Take2 has commenced, and we are currently in the waiting stage. I have no idea what will happen in a week or so - I won't be surprised by pregnancy or the lack thereof at this point. And, oddly enough, I'm okay with that.

(I say that now, but wait until I am crying in the frigid faculty bathroom in between classes.)

*Sigh.*

Anew

It was sunny today. Sunny and 39 degrees!!!! Coming from someone who's seen literally over 100 inches of snow fall on her front lawn this season, complete with temperatures so cold this past week that Drew's car wouldn't even START, this is a major heat wave!! I needed sunglasses!! I saw water running down the street! I could actually see some of the sidewalk/grass/rooftops! Dave didn't need his sweater and actually walked around the block without trying to run back home! I began gratuitously overusing exclamation points to display my enthusiasm! Amazing how my mood is instantly elevated with just a few minutes of vitamin D.

This is especially amusing to me, as my North Carolinnny-dwelling sibs are currently blanketed with snow. Raleigh has, predictably, been shut down for the past couple of days, and naturally, everyone has gone crazy. No rest for the vets, though - and I mean the animal kind, not the fighting kind - so SistervonYounger has been sliding her non-4-wheel-drive to work anyway. Suckaaa!

As of today, the new semester has officially started. I am looking forward to my new students in my two semester electives, and refreshing things with my year-long English classes. New - or revamped rules. New seating charts. New hall pass policy. New configuration of students (This is not really a good thing, as I keep getting all the upper-level dropouts in my low-level classes, yet no one will take MY failing upper-level students! ha. No, really. And a whole truckload of "reformed" students fresh off the Alternative Education track. Woo for public education!). A new start.

Drew has restarted the renovations on our back bedroom... AKA the future nursery. This is one of the few rooms we have left to finish in the house, and was pursued with vigor for a few months.... then suddenly became a project that was unceremoniously dumped the second we found out I had miscarried. Healing is apparent here.

Speaking of which, I was just ruminating a bit about how far I've come emotionally in the past month or two - sure, I've had the choice mini-breakdown here and there, usually at any major holiday or birthday, etc. - but overall, I can safely say I am healed. Not over it. Not by a long shot. The scar is still there. I think of it daily. [I would have been 23 weeks yesterday, as a matter of fact.] It is dark, and ugly, and jagged. Every once in a while, the scar sends phantom pains to my heart. But passed are the days where I would sob at the gas station...or in my classroom... or in the shower... or in the car on the way to work...

...you get the idea.

Yes. I am feeling hopeful and ready to begin anew.


[PS- The links to flickr pics - etc. - are obviously not to my own albums, or even to the area in which I live. Just appealing to those visual learners.]

All Good Things...

...are surely coming to an end.

My wonderful, long-winded, lazy, nonproductive, hilarious, fulfilling, emotional, devastating, long-anticipated Christmas Break (my tiny school district does not care about such things as being Politically Correct - it's Christmas and Easter breaks all the way, baby!) is over.

Finito.
[Etcetera.]

I did NOT do as much grading as I should have, and I only have myself to blame. Who the crap sets aside piles of grading to complete over a less-than-two-week break?! And the MOTHER of all breaks at that?! (....aside from the TRUE MotherofAllBreaks: Summer vaca. But that does not require grading, nor is it something I will gloat about to the masses of non-teachers.... though I see that 2.5-month hiatus as totally justified.... but that is a rantyrave I will save for another day.)

I did, however, get the following done over the last twelve days:

* Spent some much-needed QT with my family... not as much with Drew's, but as 90% of them live in the same town as us, I am not heartbroken over this fact. In fact.... oh, nevermind. I am sure I will get to that some other day. [Dun dun dunnnnnnn!]

* Bought clothing en masse on an I'mBoredLet'sGetOutofThisTinyTown&SpendSomeMoney binge. The buyer's remorse has not yet set in. I'm hoping that means I am allowing myself to splurge a bit since we didn't spend a lot on each other this Christmas.... More likely, I think I really just don't give a crap. ha!

* Brought home - from TheSistervonYounger's House - an adorable yet feisty homeless-looking terrier mix aptly named Dave by my new brudder-in-law. Any little progress the cats have made in the last week in terms of not doing a throw up jr. as a result of their unmitigated terror has been regularly squelched by his attempts to bum rush them the second he sees them walking across the room. Poor Mr. Pancakes and Lion-O.

* Saved ~$150 in cash toward my beloved Sony Reader... because I'm doing this the pre-job, old-fashioned way reminiscent of one's allowance: not involving my husband in this (other than his eye-rolling at me stuffing bills into my sock drawer and stealing his loose change as savings methods); not using the bank accounts or credit cards. It'll be nice. It's a very "I don't have thousands of dollars I pay out yearly to various utilities and college loan officers [etcetcetc]; I just have pocket change" way of imagining my life. Nice.

* Planned all of my classes for the entire month of January. If you have picked up anything of my sense of procrastination (a-la-blogging instead of finishing that grading I'm whining about not completing), you will understand what an unusual event this is.... I am typically planned a week in advance, max (other than the "Oh yeah, we are reading To Kill a Mockingbird in Occ 9 and starting the research project in Ac 12 next" vague sort of planning). Yes, even I can pleasantly surprise myself from time to time.

* Fooled myself into believing I was pregnant again - though there was little reason to believe it in way of timing... I'd say I didn't really care, but I would be, of course, a lying liar. Devastated is more the word. And for some reason I am translating it into a fear of never being able to get pregnant again. I am sure the irrational terror welling inside me every time I think of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, underlying causes for problems, etc., are with me to stay until I have our child laying in my arms. ( - And then a whole NEW set of irrational fears surface, right?!)
Bleh. I know we were supposed to have waited 2-3 cycles anyway, and it would have been foolish economically, as we just took out a short-term disability plan that won't even COUNT if I get pregnant before January 1st.... but.
....So.... in a couple weeks: let the games begin! Hopefully this will all work out okay (taken in whatever context you want).
[Ew. Sorry for that visual, All of You.]

..... Uh.... I'm sure I've done other things, most notably sleeping a hell of a lot. Which just happens to be one of my favorite things to do, so I am in no way complaining!

Hello, 2009 (whom I really do not completely greet until school is back in session)! Let's bring some (in the words of me, about 10 years ago) awesomely bangin' things this way in the next 361 days!