So... Reason I have been MIA....
I am pregnant.
And, as per usual, I have been freaking out for the past two months about it. I am not sure why I thought it would take a long time to happen; apparently the GETTING pregnant part isn't the problem... it's the STAYING that way. Two miscarriages in the last year, actually. I have already had my share of scares this time around: at around 4 weeks, I started spotting, which led to a series of hcg levels drawn. They turned out reassuringly awesome. In fact, Dr. Evil - the ob who performed my d&c in October - actually said "Your baby's kicking butt." Pretty good for a guy who literally introduced himself to me/asked me if it was my first prenatal appointment TWO F.ING WEEKS after he performed my g.d. d&c and literally forgot who I was. Classy. I hate him, but the midwives are amazing in the practice. Plus, it's a tiny town, and unless I want to drive 1.5 hours one way to see my doc, I'll have to deal. Bleh.
On to more traumas...
I had a dating u/s on Feb 23 at my OB office, and after the initial "Hey, you're pregnant - let's poke around your body!" exam, they literally left me in the room waiting for the u/s for an hour. I had an impressive panic attack - shaking uncontrollably, rocking back and forth, muttering, sobbing, and ass sweat like you wouldn't believe. HA Srsly.... I destroyed the paper gown with my sweatyness. Thank God for my husband being there, or I would have literally run into the hallway with all my business showing and demanded they let me go home immediately. I just couldn't handle bad news. And then I thought I couldn't handle GOOD news, because it would never truly be "over" -the terror would be a daily visitor.
I was CONVINCED they would find nothing, or another baby with no heartbeat... and they only found a gestational sac. I FREAKED out. They scheduled an u/s appt for the following Friday (a mere four days away, and in no way enough time to see anything I thought). Those were probably the longest, most appetite-less, sobingest four days of my life.
Friday finally came, and again, I freaked in the waiting room at the hospital, and of COURSE this annoying bitchmo who went to college with me/now works with my husband was there getting a 3T u/s for her f.ing TWINS she's carrying... and we had to feign friendly until she got called back. We had the same u/s tech we had for my last pregnancy, and she actually remembered that right away - and brought it up - which only made it worse. I could tell she was doing the math in her head. I had to tell her, for the thousandth time in the past two weeks, that I have been pregnant off and on for a year but have no"live births" to show for it. Thanks Lady.
She was actually pretty nice, though, and looked right away for the baby - wasting no time pissing around taking pictures of ovaries or anything.
And there it was, heart pumping away. It was the most beautiful blob I've ever seen.
...So that's cool, right? Well, I sound completely evil and like a terrible mother already,but I've seen a heartbeat before. I've carried a child for weeks and assumed hewas fine, and that I was safely helping him grow, though he'd already been lost. How do I know this is really going to happen? How can I be sure my body isn't attacking my poor defenseless baby as we speak? Crazy-sounding? Sadly, those are the irrational thoughts constantly running through my brain. True, I feel SICKER than I ever have before. To an exponential degree. ...But is that enough reassurance?
March 27 can't come fast enough.
PS: Teaching high school students while attempting to disguise morning sickness is laughable at best.
*Sigh.*
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