Negative Nancy is Getting Desperate Here.

Sorry for the lack of posting... I am feeling a bit depressed and frustrated of late, and not particularly motivated to do a lot of Internet wandering.

So the source of my feeling down? I am still here, and so is our baby - sharing my body, that is. The majority of women are probably not expecting to have already given birth by 37 weeks, and I was one of them until five weeks ago - but I just don't get my body. I was having regular, heavy, intense contractions at 32 weeks. They were talking steroid shots for lung development and Brethine to stop contractions - which I did end up taking until last Friday - and nearly total bed rest. They basically told me that as soon as I stopped the meds, I could be in labor by the end of the weekend.

So I stopped the Brethine.

I went out to dinner.

I walked around a few stores.

I started doing laundry.

I even went into my school to check on my classroom, finally meet my sub, and "survey the damage" (-that, by the way, is something I will NOT be doing again - I was too horrified to see the state of my desk, my files, my computer area, etc., to ever want to subject myself to that again. Ignorance is definitely bliss in that case!.... By the way, other than my sub's apparent slovenly tactics, she does seem to be doing a great job teaching... and that's really the most important thing... right?!?!?!?...... oh dear.).

And the contractions started. Hard, intense, bending-over-the-counter-gasping-for-breath contractions.

But only about five to ten a day. Nothing even close to regular.

The cramping is much more intense - that was already pretty regular anyway (about 30 a day) - so now I have the odd feeling that my period will start at any moment. I literally caught myself thinking that the other day. It's a strange feeling, considering I have a full-term babe pushing on my pelvis at the same time.

To add insult to injury, the Braxton Hicks have increased to about four or five an hour, and tighten my entire ute now - making it feel like some boa constrictor has nearly regular appointments with my midsection to slowly suck the life out of me, stopping just short of actually dilating or effacing anything.

Well, I can't be TOTALLY sure of that last fact: my midwives are very adamant about not doing internal checks until 39 weeks unless there is a medical need for it, so for all I know I could be two centimeters.

But I don't even care! What good is it doing me if I'm just going to sit here in a state of pseduo-labor for the next three to four weeks? Why can't I be one of those women happily plodding along with only back pain and pressure to complain about for 40 weeks, then suddenly look down to a stream of amniotic fluid running down their leg out of the blue? No massive contractions several times a day, no cramping until contractions ACTUALLY start - by the way, that's the worst thing - hearing my friends say "Oh, my labor started EXACTLY the way you are describing it" - only to find out their labor typically starting hours to only one or two days before symptoms arose. NOT HELPING!!!!!

I am desperately trying to find perspective here. Every day she is still snuggled up in the womb is another day she is growing stronger and healthier with my help. She truly is safer there. This is all for her, anyway, right???

So why do I just want her OUT?!?!?!?!